Asian American Empowerment - A Slap in the Face

By Shi Chen
©1999 The Paradox (University of Wisconsin at Madison)
Spring 1999

What is wrong with our Asian men? Why do so many Asian women choose to date out of their race? Recent statistics have shown that a larger percentage of Asian women date out of their race than any other minority group. This would certainly warrant the sense of betrayal felt by many Asian men. After all, Asian men tend to surpass the national average in long-term virtues: industry, self-restraint, and law-abidance. These were once looked upon as ideal qualities in a man. In a time of open-mindedness and freedom, young women listen less to the traditional wisdom of how to pick Mr. Right, and listen more to their hormones. This has created a society in which men predisposed to being tall, with great physiques can more easily get away with acting like Mr. Wrong. Asian men generally are not as predisposed to having these characteristics. This is a slap to their face.

Asian women have traditionally and stereotypically been labeled as exotic, elegant, beautiful, subservient, and desirable. They are "mysterious," and many non-Asian men have developed a certain fetish for Asian exotica. Being an Asian American woman, I vividly remember the time when a white man approached me and blabbered something in a language that was foreign to me. My look of confusion led him to ask, "Aren't you Japanese?" He continued to tell me how he has dated several Asian females, how he thought they were really beautiful, and how he was really attracted to Asian girls.

If you're an Asian woman, you've probably been there: a non-Asian guy wants to date you because he thinks you're "exotic" or because he's "really into Buddhism." Maybe he assumes you are some timid geisha girl, placed on this earth to fulfill his wildest fantasies. Even though many Asian women are born and raised in the United States, we still carry with us the stigma of the passive, obedient traditional "butterfly." This image, popularized by the media, American war stories, and Asian sex tours, perpetuates a slew of myths about the "mysterious East." There is something disturbing about being treated as a mysterious idea and not a human being with individual characteristics.

In spite of this, many Asian women continue to date non-Asian men, specifically whites. It can be flattering when a white man finds you attractive. Suddenly, you are appreciated and made visible by the very group that has kept you invisible, and that may have once rejected you. It is not often that I meet Asian men who hold such a high regard for Asian women, putting us on a pedestal. Asian guys often seemed so disinterested that I sometimes wondered if I gave off some inconspicuous, unconscious signal that said, "Don't bother, I don't date Asian guys." I eventually came to realize that Asian men are just not as adventurous or assertive enough when it comes to dating.

Although we criticize white men for having Asian fetishes, a significant number of Asian women often exclusively date white men. "I don't date Asians," an anonymous UW freshman said. "I just don't find them attractive." The fact is, while Asian women are labeled as exotic, Asian men are portrayed as duds. In my quest to find out what is really wrong with Asian men, the typical responses were that they are weak, unromantic, unexpressive, unaffectionate, boring control freaks. Asian men usually appear in popular American culture as small-penised computer geeks, sheep-like Japanese tourists with cameras, servants in coolie hats, or helpless, hapless convenience store owners. White men, on the other hand, are portrayed as dynamic and virile. Thus, Asian women go for what we perceive to be a "catch," or what appears to be a step up. It has also been suggested that Asian women have a "Caucasian fascination." There is an assumption that if you marry a white man, your children will be beautiful. With beliefs like these, I can't help but wonder if there's a mutual fetishism.

Are we as Asian American women subconsciously rejecting our culture? Or are we simply exercising our rights to date whomever we choose? It depends. In America, where many of us live in white neighborhoods and go to white schools, trying to fit into Western society plays a big role in our choices. Many Asian American women are first-generation. In some ways, being American is synonymous with being white. In the midst of balancing two cultures, it is often Western ideals and images that influence Asian American women the most, including our dating habits. Like other American girls, we learn to idolize the blond football captains, the Brandon Walshes, and the Robert Redfords. Instead of succumbing to the media blitz that says white is right, we as Asian American women should open our eyes and give men an opportunity based on their merit. Ultimately, the choice of whom to date is an individual one. Being loved for who you are beneath the surface is what really counts, regardless of race. Just be wary of the guy who asks you to lightly slap his ass with a silk fan, or the one who is more intrigued by your Asianness than by your essence.

Asian men deserve the highest respect. This is merely a reflection of views that have populated the media and our society. Our men should be valued for their incomparable strength and integrity and continue to fight these unjustified and unfair racist portrayals.