I grew up in a practically all white community in West Virginia, much like many other Korean adoptees have done. I'm 21 and have just recently been exploring my Asian heritage. I felt bitter in the beginning. I was bitter that I had spent so much of my life so distant from Korea and so isloated from the Asian American community. There was only one Korean boy in my high school, two Korean girls, and one hapa (Korean/Jewish) girl. I struggled with depression practically from birth until half a year ago, close to alcoholism, kicking a coke habit and having ended a 7 year "experimentation" with drugs.

As I began my search for my Asian identity I looked in the mirror and I saw a Korean face, but I knew I knew nothing of Korea or Korean American traditions, culture or values. I felt embarrassed and angry that I was only Korean on the outside- a banana as some say. I was angry that American society assumed I could assimilate so easily, the same society that housed people who called me chink, gook, and slant eye. I was angry at Korea's adoption system for thinking I would not suffer from being torn from my Korean heritage.

When I first heard the term sell-out it really made me question myself, my dating choices, and how men look at me. I felt completely stripped down and naked. Women can rarely escape the stigmas in our society, but I rarely thought about how I was objectified and stereotyped because I am an Asian female. Of course I had heard insults like "slanted *****", or about mail order brides and Asian fetishes...but I didn't realize the full affects of media portrayals of Asian women and how they affected me on a normal basis- of how they affected the self-esteem of Asian men and the divide it placed between Asian American women and men. I didn't pay attention to the media and when I did I never thought to dissect it. I had no idea Lucy Liu was a "dragon lady" or that Amy Tan was called Aunty Tan. I naively thought that racism only happened in rare isolated incidents or only in extremes like KKK or nazis. Now I see examples of racism all the time but I can also acknowledge that I am sometimes being paranoid. Perhaps I became desensitized from the painful experiences of racism I experienced growing up as well.

Asian American issues have become an obsession of mine. I created a list of books to read- my own independent studies of Asian studies. I frequent Asian American empowerment websites and forums, and even joined an online Asian dating service. The majority of the men I have dated have been white. I have only been out on dates with one Korean boy and one Pakistani boy- neither of which lasted very long.

My heart is not heavy anymore. I no longer feel that I am not Asian enough. I have come to realize that I did not get to choose how my life was while growing up, but I can sure as hell choose how the rest of it will be. My goals are to continue my involvement in Asian American issues, go to Korea, educate myself on Korea and pan-Asian issues and history, finding other Korean adoptees and volunteer with an Asian interest group.

Someday I hope to be reunited with my birth family, but honestly I don't feel ready yet. I still need to speak honestly to my adoptive family about the grudges that I have had. I still need to speak to them about what I have learned. I want to educate them on AA issues. Sometimes, my adoptive mother will see an Asian woman on tv and declare, "Oh she looks just like you!" Or when we eat in a Chinese restaurant the first thing they will comment on will be the "ching chong Chinese music." I have been too embarassed and ashamed to say anything back to them. My adoptive father had kept referring to Asian women as oriental, but finally I got the courage to tell him that it was offensive. Fortunately he honestly did not know any better and appreciated that I raised his own awareness. By the way my adoptive parents are divorced. I have no memory of them ever being married, and I believe that even as my adoption was being processed the future of their marriage lurked in their shadows but with heavy footsteps. My stepmother even admitted that she had helped with the adoption papers!

I have never been one to regret but if I had not somehow found myself I would have regretted many things. I look forward to my journey for it is a journey of my identity. I know that my happiness does not necessarily lay in what I am but who I am.

I would really like to share my stance and experiences as of now. I expect that they will change, but I find my story valuable and hope that it may valuable to the Asian community as well.