Young, Hip and Put Off By Color?  (July 30, 1999)

CINTRA:

I am knee-deep in work, and this being Friday afternoon I'd like to get outta here soon, so forgive me if I get right to the point. I saw your piece today about the difficulties a particular gay black man has had dating out of his race in this city. I didn't see the letter that he wrote, but I bet it had to do with other men not wanting to date him because of his skin color. I write this to you because this happens in the straight world as well.

As liberal and cool as the people in San Francisco like to believe they are, it is a fact that there is generally an aversion to dating and having long-term, committed relationships with people of color. Is there a fear and / or intolerance of dating a person of color? My experiences point to an answer of yes. I've actually put this question to non-black women friends of mine, and in most cases they have supported my suspicions. "Cultural difference" is the reason usually given. For me, it is hard not to hear this as cultural indifference, especially given the negative feeling I've also been told they have about dating Asian men and men from the Middle East.

A little about me. I'm in my early 30s, black, straight, a college-grad, professional, funny, of good character and I'm told that I'm "a pretty man." I know that I'm nonthreatening in that Bill Cosby, Will Smith, Nat King Cole sorta way. I've been living in San Francisco for 10 years, have no rules about dating only black or white or Asian women, and for most of those 10 years I've been single but not for lack of trying to find a mate. On the rare occasions when I have been fixed up with someone by friends, this someone is always a black woman whom I have had absolutely nothing in common with other then skin color. Non-black women I have wined and dined have passed me over for bike messengers, abusive old boyfriends and a sudden new attraction to women.

I do want a life partner, marriage, and probably kids. Now, based on what I see around me (skin color notwithstanding), unless I've missed something, I shouldn't be having any problem at all finding a mate, or at least I shouldn't be having any problems getting dates with potential mates. Such is not the case for me and apparently not for the gay black man who initiated this discussion.

I wouldn't go so far as to say personal policies against dating people of color is something that requires national media attention, but I must say that there is a certain level of hypocrisy that exists in this "liberal" town we call home, and the people who live here and practice this hypocrisy (gay and straight) should be ashamed of themselves. Just my take on the situation.

- Ken

Dearest Mr. Ken: You sound like one foxy baby, and were I not a happily hitched Psupergenius I probably would proposition you myself. However, I believe you; pan-cultural-loving Caucazoids like myself are the exception and not the rule. I just can't understand how educated and apparently liberal people can be so fearfully retrograde. We used to call the syndrome that you're talking about California Racism, i.e., lots of lip service being paid to Rainbow Coalition-esque ideals, until the clothes come off. I think a lot of it has to do with laziness and comfort and security: It's so much easier to dork around in the ruts you're accustomed to than to go on a personal adventure.

Like I've said before, I think that a lot of people get nervous around people of colors they've never been around much; i.e. if there were only four black people in your high school, you'd be more predisposed toward a black-people- are-a-human-variation-I-don't- understand type of moronitude.

I think Warren Beatty, decaying Lothario that he is, sort of had a point with "Bulworth" - the contention that the only thing that is going to truly narrow the gulf between black and white people, or people of assorted dermal hues, is if they all keep intermixing. All of the colors are slowly homogenizing into a caramel brown. Eventually, by the sheer strength of numbers and prevailing zeitgeist sentiment, I truly believe that interracial relations will just get closer and closer, but some people are hanging way back in the caboose of enlightenment as opposed to actively feeding the engine where the progress happens. To paraphrase Mr. T., we can only pity the fools.

Multicultural Dating: Trials and Tribulations  (August 20, 1999)

DEAREST BLACK, White, and Read-All-Over Readers:

We haven't had this much fun since we couldn't stop talking about heroin abuse! The multicultural-dating topic refuses to go away despite my incessant begging, and the letters continue to pour in to the exclusion of all other possible topics, such as rampant teenage vampirism, naked photos of JFK Jr. and Dolce & Gabbana looks for fall. As your advice-decanting Oracle, I am obliged to Go With The Flow, as it were, until one of you soggy lovelorn types gets it together to hit me with some new improved Pain. Remember, my column is your column, so it's 50 percent your fault.

DEAR CINTRA:

Re: Ken's letter in 7 / 30 Examiner about dating / finding a mate multiculturally:  Gee, I (older white woman) dunno. I wouldn't object to having sex / dating a black man, but would be hesitant about marrying into a black family. Seems like you'd have to be pretty sure you'd want to go that route. People seem to expect other races to be more exotic somehow. Which is a lot to keep up. Then with the kids, you'd have to bone up on black history, black pride - sounds like asking for a lot of extra trouble. Plain old motherhood is hard enough.

Re: Asian and Arab men - perhaps there are other things working there, too. Men revert as they get older. Plus you'd have conflicting stories about what's naturally "right." It's not as though men lead self-examined lives. Reverting to a culture with such pronounced male dominance? Trouble.

Lifelong matings should be established on a personal basis, surely, and not to make political statements about how liberal / enlightened you are. And don't forget the daily reminders in the personal ads about white fellows seeking petite Asian women 10 years younger than themselves. Sorry Ken's having such troubles. But if prospective mates are dumping him for bicycle messengers, and he's as good as he says he is, maybe he's making some bad choices amongst the white / Asian women. Although maybe the bike messenger outclassed him. (Kinda makes you wonder if he was using "bike messenger" to stand for "lower than low," a conclusion I'd be loathe to jump to.)

- Yours, Joyce

O PSYCHIC SUPERGENIUS:

I am a pagan, thirtysomething, eccentric bohemian writer-type who doesn't date white men if she can help it. In my opinion, white boys are for the most part spoiled, narcissistic takers who mooch off their girlfriends and treat them like furniture. Even the ones who aren't particularly good-looking or have so-so jobs act like they're the Grand Glittering Prizes in the Bay Area relationship "market" (yecch, what a concept).

That said, I can understand why so many white women balk at interracial dating. Society is racist in a thousand large and small ways, and a white woman dating a man of color gets her nose rubbed into it in a way that a white man dating a woman of color doesn't. Women are - even in this day and age - expected to marry "up," and if they don't, they hear "she settled for that black / Latino / Asian man because . . . she's un-attractive / hates herself / is self- destructive / can't do any better." You get the picture.

Finally, a word of advice to Ken: There are PLENTY of white women who no doubt would leap at the chance to date an articulate, upstanding man such as yourself. You'll find many of them in Oakland, where I live. I can tell you right now you will NEVER, under ANY circumstances, find them in the Marina, Noe Valley or anywhere in Marin County. Keep away from those Gwyneth Paltrow / Sandra Bullock clones that haunt yuppie bars wearing Betsey Johnson dresses. Such women are vapid, grabby, materialistic daddy's-little-princesses in search of a man who makes at least $100,000 a year and will marry them and sweep them off to live in Sausalito or Woodside. And he'd better be white, too. Miss Princess doesn't want to have her little cocoon of privilege shattered or, God forbid, raise dark-skinned children. Such women give us all a bad name. Go for the woman with no makeup and paint-splattered hands; the Emma Thompson type. You'll be glad you did. And, oh yeah - if you like plain but intelligent, creative types - give me your phone number.

- Love, Crystal

Time for the Asian Male to Sound Off  (September 10, 1999)

JUST WHEN you thought you could roll back into your rut and forget about the travails of interracial dating, along comes a new group with its own special axes to grind! We are a rainbow of pain!

DEAR MS. WILSON:

As an Asian American male born here in the United States, I could never understand why white women never seemed interested in men of color, especially Asian men. Your comment on how we live in a racist society is so true and its effect on the lack of white women in Asian men's lives makes perfect sense. Thanks for your "straight to the point explanation." As far as the issue of Asian and Arab men being culturally male dominant, let's not over- generalize. As a fourth generation Asian American, I don't feel most Asian American men who are born here are like that. Please keep an open mind. . . . Nobody likes racist people.

- Joe Y.

CINTRA,

Although I'm also tired of hearing of / about / how to get into interracial relationships, for what it's worth, here's my two cents:

I'm 26, first generation Asian American, grew up in Burlingame, Catholic school, public high school, Cal, and worked in The City. I have to say that the whole interracial thing is much easier now than it was for me in high school . . . growing up in a wealthy, predominantly Irish Catholic and Jewish community was an exercise in fitting in. Dating was definitely difficult, but that was due to typical dating issues and not race, unless you involved parents. I had a girlfriend who was only allowed to see me after her mom found out my PSAT scores!

Anyway, it seems the kids from my age bracket that grew up in the Bay Area or L.A. don't face the racial bias that their parents did. I attribute that to the changing racial mix in the Bay Area and California's major cities. Sure, dating from "other" pools has some inherent issues, but there are always issues - family background, occupation, abused childhoods, overly zealous religious fanatic parents, vegetarianism. . . .

You've got a bunch of whiners writing to you who haven't figured out that shallow people are just that: shallow. EVERYTHING needs to be evaluated case-by-case. Jerks are jerks, sweethearts are sweethearts, and some Asians aren't good at math. Perhaps they didn't attend a major Bay Area university where multicultural folks seem to be the norm rather than the exception?

Presently, I'm working in Manila, Philippines, and I'm hyper-aware of what makes people tick. Definitely not outward appearance, since I am Filipino and don't have "expatriate" written all over me. What am I looking for? Essentially an American-educated individual because that's what really defines me, my experiences, my career and all my pop culture references. If I had to narrow down the criteria, it might be more "Californian" because most Californian folks I've met my age have experience dealing with the whole "multirace" issue and are comfortable with it. My friends here tend to be the same as those from the Bay Area, a racial hodge-podge, but grew up with the same cartoons, music and sporting events.

As far as the comment from "Joyce" that Asian American men "revert" back to certain cultural behaviors: do I need to turn in a resume and pass an assimilation exam? Exactly what am I likely to revert to? The skater / honors student that I was in high school?

OK, I'm off my soapbox.

Thanks, Ed B.

Dearest Mr. B.:

I believe it's always the smarter, more adventurous and open- minded chickies that enjoy the multiple-flavored human dating experience, and those generally aren't the pastel business bints in the DKNY power-minis reeking financial fear and Vanilla body splash and licking cigars down at Gordon Biersch. What you all need to look for is a feral British hippie, international-vagabond chick. They're great, gorgeous, rich, hate daddy, extremely well travelled, durable, Ultra New Age. They may single-handedly save the world by sleeping with everyone in it.

Selah.

Wilson's column, "Cintra Wilson Feels Your Pain," was published weekly in the San Francisco Examiner from 1994 to 2000.